moods that take me and erase me…

**note: re; the title, i’m not just being melodramatic… lol – it’s a lyric from the song referenced below…**

if you’ve followed my life on “the other blog” you’ll know bit’s and pieces about a guy named james.  james was someone i saw on and off for the last year.  it’s been officially off since i got home from europe. 

anyway, last sunday – i was out at the eagle for beer bust, i was genuinely happy to be out (being, that i’m not much of a bar guy, that i was happy being out says something).  i turned my head, right as james walked by.  it was the first time i had seen him since ending it for the last time. 

talk about a pile of bricks hitting you square in the chest.  it was like the wind was knocked out of me.

my friends (other than cb) had only met him once. and they were very keen on telling me they didn’t like him.  so of course, i heard resounding chorus’ of how he was a jerk and an asshole (his primary fault – apparently, he never said hi to them in the bar after he met them once). 

there are a ton of reasons it didn’t work out – but is it so much for someone to just put their arm around me and say it will get better… instead of telling me what an asshole he was for not recognizing or saying hi to them?

was he perfect?  no. not in the slightest.  but nobody is.  everyone has their faults.  at the end of the day, he meant an awful lot to me over the course of the last year.   and will always have a special place in my heart.

so, back to the sucker punch – of course i knew it might happen – would have to run into him sooner or later. 

i was hoping for later.

we didn’t physically talk (or even make eye contact) – but there were are few drunken texts back and forth, followed by an amazingly sweet text from him the next day.  that i more or less shut down in a new york minute. 

i’ve never been one to be friends with my ex’s – but there’s something about james’ – something i want to keep in my life.  it’s just a bit to raw right now. 

and i don’t trust myself around him.  it’s far to easy for me to forget the reasons we broke up. after all, i’m  still massively attracted to him. 

i know what i need to do – i need to allow myself to be pissed off and mad, but i’m just not there.  i don’t hate him.  he is exactly what he always said he was (with a few minor exceptions… lol).  i just am not mad.

but i am sad.  quite sad.  but i haven’t even allowed myself to cry or truly be sad.  after all i did that in november when we broke up that time.  look how far that got me.  lol

i have other options – a couple of amazing guys i’ve met and i’m having fun getting to know them and talking to them. 

but that doesn’t mean i’m not sad that, at the end of the day – james and i couldn’t make it work. 

james’ favorite movie is “once” – have you seen it?  you really should if you haven’t – it’s quite an incredible film.  for those not familiar with it – the film is told more or less in song.  but not in a musical way.  it’s hard to describe.  but the music is some of the most haunting, beautiful songs you will ever hear.

all of this brings us to yesterday. so i’m standing at the bank waiting my turn and what should come on the muzak?  the song “falling slowly” from once.  and the weirdest thing happened – i started to cry.  right there in line. 

that just totally caught me off guard.


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10 Comments on “moods that take me and erase me…”

  1. CJ Says:

    It does get better for the reasonably sane. But it can be so so difficult. Especially if you continue to see them in your circle. I don’t understand being friends with ex’s?? Friends are funny how they attempt to comfort us in such times.
    Hang in there.

  2. J James Says:

    Damn you and your post on an ex boyfriend returning to your life! You’ve cursed me.

    Less than 4 minutes after I read your post…MY ex (from over 2 years ago) pops up on Gmail chat…and embroils me in a lengthy discussion about spyware on his computer, his drunken current boyfriend, cheating, etc.

    I forbid you to post about ex boyfriends again! 🙂

  3. Jeni Says:

    Everyone has that one ex that just . . .totally affects them. Not to be the bringer of the bad news, but I would be willing to beat you will feel that way everytime you see him or get a text from him.

    Not that it means you still love him or are holding out from him . . .it just means he affected you deeply. There is nothing wrong with that.

    If I was there I would have given you a hug 🙂

  4. Matt Says:

    Sorry about what you’re going through, buddy. It just sucks – no way to sugarcoat it. But it will get better, you’ll feel better, life will continue to move, and at some point you’ll realize you’ve grown from what you’ve gone through. It sounds trite, but it’s true. (Trite and true?)

    Big hug, guy.

  5. Sally Tomato Says:

    Dude that’s the worst, when you run into someone from your past. I recently had that happen to me, and it wasn’t even with the one who was my Waterloo. God only knows how I’ll react when that happens.

    Just chalk it up to experience and try not to dwell on it too much. Even if he was bad for you, repeat my mother’s mantra “Mistakes are our friends!”

  6. cb Says:

    I think some of the reason why nobody hugged you is that nobody knows what you are feeling and/or needing. Emotionally you can be hard to read.

    So my guess is the “james bashing” was everyone’s way of verbally hugging you and trying to reassure you that it was him and not you.

    Or something.

  7. Jason Says:

    Sounds like you are going through the normal motions after a breakup. In time, you’ll know if fitting him into your life somehow is possible. It will happen when you’re ready.
    Now who are these other fellas? I have to approve first mind you 😉

  8. chuck Says:

    i think everyone’s friends do that concerning ex’s. but since they weren’t the ones with the deep feelings…it kind of falls on (your) deaf ears. some of the things you know, some of them you don’t want to face…but they are our friends. they will tear down anyone that hurts us.

    i am at the point right now where i cannot be around or have any sort of friendship with my recent ex. it is all too fresh. would i like to be friends with him someday? i dunno…maybe. he strikes me as the type of guy who would always rub in my face that “i coulda had him”…as if our problems and the choice for a breakup was only mine. it takes two to make it work.

    i’m friendly with the guy i was with for five years, but we do not live anywhere near each other, so we don’t have to see each other, face to face. and our friendship relies on me keeping in touch with him; he sucks at keeping in touch with everyone (not just his ex’s). he has a new partner and that might be tough for me. or i might just feel like, “wow, i am glad i’m not in *that* anymore.

    ex’s are always ex’s for a reason. just remember that!

  9. timo Says:

    I wish i was there to give you a big hug…and I do give great hugs. I am that one person on earth that tries to be friends with all his ex’s. except for the one that found jesus and married a woman and the one that pretends He’s not gay and scowls at me whenever I am in my home town.

  10. […] ran into james. […]

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