definition of a tool

open letter to the twins fan sitting in section 115, row 31, seat 4:

no sir, the definition of a “tool” is not:

  • designated hitter, craig monroe – who sailed a beautiful homer to the left field seats in the 2nd that earned us a 3-0 lead.
  • the new twins ballpark (i don’t even know how to explain this one to you… how can a park be a tool?)
  • and neither is outfielder michael cuddyer a tool for failing to connect with the ball. it happens to everyone. you try hitting a ball that’s going 91 mph at you. (p.s., cuddy, call me – i wanna.. ahem… show you something hehehehe)

no sir, a tool would look something like this:

(aka: you)

who as the game progressed and you got drunker on budweiser (i didn’t even know that was possible) got more and more boastful, belligerent, smelly and all around jerk-esqu.

one minute you love the “twinkies” (wish you would have said that in the eagle, the response would have been awesome!), one minute you hate ’em (yes, i know – that is the very nature of baseball). but did you need to verbally assult the nice people in the row in front of us who happened to be red sox fans? did that woman actually spend $85 mil of her own money to get that sox player? i’m sure she liked it when you “spilled” beer on her (if that was an accident, i’ll be damned). i’m sure it made you feel better to make them feel small.

i’m a casual fan, but even to my ears you are the very modern definition of a tool. you sir, need to learn a little respect for the game first and foremost. and secondly how to be an adult in a group situation.

oh and that faux-hawk you were sporting? well that went out of style about 4 years ago (folk’s i’m not kiddin – this was a full on- full head faux-hawk. looks good on a 5 year old boy – doesn’t look so good on a 33 year old man.

when you first sat down, both cb and i thought – hmmm at least your pretty (in that would be kelso’s bitch in a second sort of way on “oz”), but then you had to open your mouth.

why do they always open their mouths?

the beautiful ballet that is baseball. only 142 more games in the abomination that is the metrodome.

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5 Comments on “definition of a tool”

  1. cb Says:

    He WAS a tool. And he kept calling JD Drew a tool… JD who got a couple base hits and popped one over the shortstop to knock in another run. What an 85 million dollar tool mistake.

  2. cb Says:

    Oh, and if I heard them talk about wanting a double play (6-4-3) one more goddamn time…

  3. RG Says:

    Even though I’m a Sox fan, if I ever got tickets to Fenway to see the Sox, I would give them away, because of Tools like the one in the post.

    I like my baseball on HDTV, in my favorite gay bar, surrounded by humpy softball players, sipping on a beer. And if the Sox win, the boyz are extra horny.

  4. voenixrising Says:

    The last–and ONLY–time I was at a Diamondbacks game, I went with my friend Mark from SF. We both wore our Giants caps and all we got was a constant stream of “fucking Giants fans” and “SF faggots” shit from the Neanderthals sitting around us.

  5. Jason Says:

    Oh, I love when you talk sports!

    It is a shame you can’t go to a game without having to deal with idiots.


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